to write again

Sir Chris,


A long while I have kept silent, and silently I kept my feelings in vain. And the truth be told, I tried to forget--but alas, I have failed yet indefinitely.


I have nothing much to write about rather my thoughts are much too disorganized right now. I have reread my entries here and with a sad note I could say, not much has changed.



~Cherry

It must be

Sir Chris,

It is but true that I have gotten rid of all the diaries, all the notes, all the supposed-to-be love letters for you and all my plans of walking towards you to introduce myself. However, this blog, I do not want to delete. Not just yet. (do forgive me) I am still waiting for something.

It must be that I have forgotten about you; but no, I tell you, that that is not it.
I have forgotten, true in a sense. How?

YOU ALREADY KNOW ME.
It must be.



~Cherry

10831.
I KNOW.
YOU.
YOU WANT.
WE LOSE.

MJMB.
THINGS CHANGE.
SPELLS BREAK.
ESCAPE.
ESCAPE HURT.

Unrequited

Sir Chris,

My heart’s struck—emotionally laden. I am not getting better. My response is a tear. Why must he love me the way I do you? I fail in not keeping him too. I feel the blame. But I see greater blame in him. His pain is because of me. But that pain is his choice—the way that this pain is my choice. I fail to lose these affections for you. I fail in relieving this pain because of you.

I am in another’s heart; but my heart is yours. I can’t believe the emotionally complex circumstance that I am in… that I am in because I choose you, because I fail to let go of you.

I fail to fail to fail in Love. And I am sorry that it is so.

Isn’t it sad that this young Love is a failure? But it doesn’t matter anyway. I accept it the way it is, whatever they may say. Love should be a mixture of everything—that is what I believe: Failures and failures in failing. I guess that’s fair enough. (Although this Love affair is obviously one-sided).

I fail to fail to fail in Love. And I am sorry that it is so.

It is sad that there is another case of miserable unrequited love. Does it matter? Must he just accept it or fight for it? Love is a mixture of everything: acceptance of loss and acceptance of destiny. Is it fair for him?

Is my happiness (in loving you) enough to make him happy?

Loss or Destiny?

Right now, I can bravely say that your happiness is my happiness.

I fail. This is loss.

It’s unrequited.

~Cherry

average indefinite

Sir Chris,

“Demand a little…”

I asked. I tried. Nobody gave me anything. Nobody was willing to save a scrap of their time for me. I’m just average indefinite.

So I masked because I’m tired.

But then it is tiring too to laugh when already falling to pieces… and to cry when you know that nobody cares.

Average Indefinite?
I am trying to balance what I feel with what I should feel. Everyone’s a liar sometimes, but I see that everyone’s lying to me—even myself. I say, even you.

I love you but I feel that I shouldn’t. But everyone’s a lover! This average indefinite person would gladly be everyone to you if you only ask… but even if I try to be everyone (that you need) to you, I will be tired because I will just be trying to demand from you a little something that you would not be able to give.

And that’s Love.

~Cherry

Insanity

Sir Chris,

I guess I am lost once more.

A friend told me that there is this line of insanity between being in love and falling in love. I asked her what she meant by that, but her lips only gave me a smile—a knowing smile that told me where I stand… and yes, where you are to me.

I refrained from blogging since things are undeniably unfavorable—even for you. I am sincerely sorry for the trouble, but this I tell you: a lot admire you; and perhaps, like me, have fallen for you too. So just get used to it. Get used to me (if you have not forgotten about me already).

I truly am lost—truly, so and so. I tried forgetting you, only was I not successful but the frustrating truth be told, I was nearly successful! Almost fell off that cliff—my friend’s so-called ‘insanity’ But I hung by a thread.


You see, I discovered that just being in close proximity to that cliff, one can be insane also—caused by the fear of losing someone really important, really special. So, here I am again. Lost in love with you—still lost in love with you.


But do you know why I decided to hold on? It is because you are my insanity. If I fell off that cliff, I will just fall for you again.



A Belated Happy Birthday, Christopher Jay Robidillo.




~Cherry

to get there

Sir Chris,

No. It was no coincidence that I was there. But the truth be said, I had no inkling of why I was there as well. You see, as much as I wanted to believe that there is nothing there in that scene; something inside told me otherwise.

Perhaps it was jealousy? Though I had no right to, still it pained me.

Why had I seen the both of you when I did not want to see anything at all? I miss you so much; and that was what I saw? *sigh* Unfortunate. Truly unfortunate.

~Cherry